Just when you think you've got it figured out...

...the Lord reminds you that you didn't have a clue. After agonizing with a desire to travel the world, a door opened and my parents told me they wanted to watch Grant while we went. After a moment of surprise and elation, I found myself filled with dread. I had wanted to go so desperately that I had forgotten the small detail of having to leave my baby behind for two weeks. Could I do it? What if the plane crashed, or what if he got injured while we were across the world? Every bad scenario in the book started crowding into my head, and it didn't get better when I thought about my grandma's experience where she came back from a trip and her youngest son didn't even remember her! I cried for a while as I pictured how hard it would be to leave him. After a lot of thought and prayer, I felt much calmer and decided that this was something we wanted to do and felt good about. I knew it would be hard to drop him off at my parents' house and drive away, but that I would always regret the choice to not go on this trip. We started making loose plans, which brought up some questions we wanted answered (for example, could we use Scype or some other internet video-connection to talk to Grant every day?). I called the travel company this morning and they informed me that there were plenty of openings, but that there were some complications and they'd been forced to switch cruise lines (a better one). The problem? The cruise is no longer in May, but in February. Right in the middle of Jake's grad school semester. Sigh. I think my parents might be able to go now, though, because it won't be in the middle of spring planting anymore.

This was a good lesson for me in several ways. First of all, it was a nice reminder of just how much I love my little guy. I love waking up to his smiling (or screaming) face, I love rocking him to sleep (especially after he's asleep and isn't fighting anymore), I love talking and singing to him all day (even though I complain about not having anyone who talk back), I love the times when he gives me a big, slobbery, mouth-gaping-open kiss on the cheek, and I love being able to be with him virtually every moment of the day (which allows me to witness all of his new talents and abilities).

Secondly, I realized that even though it will be hard, in the future I will want and need to have days (and maybe weeks, once in a while) where I won't be with my children. And now I'm okay with that! Thanks for your advice and comments. They really did help put things in perspective for me!