What More Could I Have Done For My Vineyard?

(preface: after reading a few paragraphs, readers might find they agree with my students! Sorry for the long-windedness!)

FEBRUARY 26 DRAFT:
In my former days of constant theatre performances, I had occasional actors' nightmares where I would dream I was on stage in my underwear, or that I had no idea what show we were doing and I was supposed to be delivering lines and songs to hundreds of audience members. Even still, I have the occasional nightmare that I'm back in Into the Woods and that I'm supposed to remember what all my lines and blocking were.

I've also experienced that type of nightmare about teaching (that I'm not prepared, no one will talk or volunteer, and the room is filled with glazed-over eyes and total chaos). Luckily, they don't represent reality. Don't get me wrong, I've had my share of bombed lessons, but I've never lived my nightmares. Until last Thursday.

I spent most of this week preparing for my Institute lesson on Jacob 5, the allegory of the olive tree. I'd had some feelings that I needed to change up what I taught last semester, and I put hour after hour into it. I went in feeling more prepared than usual, actually, and very excited. The history of the House of Israel, the Second Coming, and our part in it all? This is great stuff! I know, I know. There are those who undoubtedly roll their eyes, but I really do get super excited over this kind of thing.

My class, however, seemed to be siding with those of you who are rolling your eyes. Pretty much the minute I said the words "Abrahamic Covenant," their eyes glossed over. Okay, that's nothing new. Every teacher deals with that occasionally. So I asked questions to get their minds working (and I knew they were good questions because I'd worked them over and written them down before teaching), but no one would answer. This class usually struggles with not wanting to answering questions, but this was ridiculous! I soon discovered that no one would volunteer to read scriptures or quotes. No one seemed to care about the crystal-clear handout from the new Book of Mormon manual (seriously, it makes the chapter so much more understandable). A few were texting during our conversation about how all thirteen tribes have now found representation through patriarchal blessings, and holding full-on conversations two rows from me during the part about how the Savior feels about and helps those who help Him with His work.

This was the point that I pulled out the big guns: my all-time favorite talk on the last days, "Terror, Triumph, and a Wedding Feast," by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland 2004. If these three excerpts could't phase their zombie-like state, nothing could:

• It is interesting to me that...our prophets have focused not on the terror of the times in which they lived and not on the ominous elements of the latter days, in which we are all living, but they felt to speak of the opportunity and blessing, and above all the responsibility, to seize the privileges afforded us in this, the greatest of all dispensations. I love the line from the Prophet Joseph Smith saying that earlier prophets, priests, and kings “have looked forward with joyful anticipation to the day in which we live; and . . . have sung and written and prophesied of this our day.” What were they so joyful about? I can assure you they weren’t concentrating on terror and tragedy. Brother Woodruff’s words were: “The eyes of God and all the holy prophets are watching us. This is the great dispensation that has been spoken of ever since the world began.” Let me repeat President Hinckley’s words: “Through all the perils of the past, [s]omehow, among all who have walked the earth, we have been brought forth in this unique and remarkable season. Be grateful, and above all be faithful.”
• In fact, I have a theory about those earlier dispensations and the leaders, families, and people who lived then, of those whom the Prophet Joseph, President Woodruff, and President Hinckley spoke....Indeed, the whole point of the Restoration of the gospel in these latter days is that it had not been able to survive in earlier times and therefore had to be pursued in one last, triumphant age....In short, apostasy and destruction of one kind or another was the ultimate fate of every general dispensation we have ever had down through time. But here’s my theory. My theory is that those great men and women, the leaders in those ages past, were able to keep going, to keep testifying, to keep trying to do their best, not because they knew that they would succeed but because they knew that you would. I believe they took courage and hope not so much from their own circumstances as from yours—a magnificent congregation of young adults like you tonight gathered by the hundreds of thousands around the world in a determined effort to see the gospel prevail and triumph.
• Ours, not theirs, was the day that gave them “heavenly and joyful anticipations” and caused them to sing and prophesy of victory. Ours is the day, collectively speaking, toward which the prophets have been looking from the beginning of time, and those earlier brethren are over there still cheering us on! In a very real way, their chance to consider themselves fully successful depends on our faithfulness and our victory. I love the idea of going into the battle of the last days representing Alma and Abinadi and what they pled for and representing Peter and Paul and the sacrifices they made. If you can’t get excited about that kind of assignment in the drama of history, you can’t get excited!
• (emphasis added) 

One student nodded, another looked slightly impressed. I guess my students are incapable of excitement, according to Elder Holland. One older woman in the class even had the audacity to loudly whisper, "She reads those quotes way too fast." Well, I wouldn't have to if any of you would accept an invitation to read!!  I honestly felt like pinching myself a couple of times just to see if, by some miracle, it was just a nightmare. I cried all the way home, and as I did, I thought, "I put so much time and effort into this lesson. What more could I have possibly done?" Suddenly a phrase from Jacob 5 came to my mind, where the Lord says, "What more could I have done for my vineyard?" The Savior literally gave all, and His message and life and sacrifice have still been rejected by so many of us who sojourn on this earth. Perhaps the one who needed this lesson the most wasn't someone in my class. Maybe it was me. Suddenly, in my trite yet humble way, I understood the parable more than I ever had before. And it was nice to know Someone understood and cared.

FOLLOW-UP:
Few things in my life have shaken my confidence as did that singular lesson. I can't even explain why, but even now, six weeks later, I have to overcome fears and major mental blocks in order to stand in front of that class every week. I find that Satan has tried to insert self-doubt into every corner of my mind. In addition, I've been humbled and reminded that I don't teach in order to build myself up: the first class after Jacob 5, our numbers dropped from forty to twelve in attendance. That's the funny thing about teaching Institute: if they don't like something you do or say, they can go to one of the other ten (or fifty, in this case) teachers instead. I'd be lying if I said it hasn't hurt my ego a bit, but the lesson was well worth it. I've always taught because I love Jesus Christ and His gospel, and I want to help others discover that same testimony within themselves. One or one hundred, it shouldn't matter.

I'm excited to start fresh with a new semester. I'll be teaching the writings of John in the New Testament. New subject, new students, new start. I'm planning FHE for tomorrow. I'm working on my next Relief Society Presidency lesson in June. I'm also gearing up to teach at EFY the first week in August. As small and simple as all of this sounds, it has had a bit of a soul-shaking effect on me, but I refuse to let Satan or discouragement, the enemies of my soul (see 2 Nephi 2), come off conqueror. So I'm facing these fears head on, with all of the uncomfortableness that comes along with soul-stretching.

Hey, I'm going into this battle for teaching greats like Ammon and Moses. Their eyes are upon me, and their success in part depends upon my success. And that not only fills me with excitement, but hope and courage!