How Women Should Be

I'm often frustrated (and often offended, unfortunately) by the seemingly-popular trend among women to tear each other down.

It seems to happen most often by women who are in similar circumstances or stages of life, who should be the cheerleaders for women who are struggling with some of the very same problems as they are. But instead we take the opportunity to belittle, cut down, and haughtily think that there is no way anyone else's life could possibly be as hard as our own. I've noticed myself that the urge comes to me when it is someone I feel threatened by: they are someone I wish I could be like, or someone who has something I wish I had, or are the seemingly (and impossibly) perfect. So I just have to jump in and make my own light brighter. It's self-preservation!

It usually comes through subdued, even hinted-at, comments. It is a constant battle of one-upping.

"Oh, you think you're baby is hard? Let me tell you about my second..."

"You're tired? Well, I don't think I've had as much sleep as you're getting in the last five years!"

"Trust me, it could be worse. I know."

But my favorites are the snide remarks we make to each other about what's awaiting in the future:

"If you thought morning sickness was bad, you should try having it all three trimesters."

"Enjoy being 38 weeks pregnant. Trust me. Once that baby comes out you'll be wishing you could go back."

"Oh, just wait until she can crawl!"

"Toddlers are a breeze compared to teenagers. Enjoy it while you can."

"You think one kid is hard? Try having five, with three in diapers all at the same time."

While I understand this urge inside to try to make other women appreciate what they have and to live each moment while they are in it, I also want to scream, "Seriously?! Does everything have to become about you all the time? Let me have my moment where I can feel bad, and give me some sympathy. It's true--if anyone should understand, it's you, but all you can do is smash the worseness of your life into my face."

Yeah, most people's lives are harder than mine. I wouldn't trade my trials for anyone else's, because I understand that there's a lot about people that is under the surface. "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." But downplaying my pain isn't going to help me. Love and compassion and a little empathy will.

Also, I hate that it always has to focus on the negative. I don't need you to tell me all the horrible things awaiting me. I know that. What I need are women who will share the exciting things about the upcoming stages.

So here's my shout-out today. To women like my cousin, Crystal, who's always a listening ear and doesn't judge me. To my Mom, who (even though she had six kids) still finds ways to empathize instead of passing over my simple struggles with one child. To dear friend and my old seminary support specialist Kay Thurman, who cried with me as we sat in desks in the back of my empty classroom the day I had my first miscarriage (at seven weeks), instead of telling me of how hard it was losing two babies each at twenty-five weeks. When I said, "I feel silly, because yours were so much harder," she told me tearfully, "Oh, Chelsea, it doesn't matter how far along you are. It's always going to be hard." To my visiting teacher, Sunny Johnson, who has had fertility problems for over a decade, and yet who sincerely loves and supports me in all my meager fertility struggles--I've never once heard her compare our situations, she just uses her experiences to give me more love.

To you women, and all the other women in my life who empathize and love me without judging me, thank you! You inspire me to want to be like you! We need each others' love, not judgments, and you have all mastered yourselves so well.

Now I'm trying hard to let other women's struggles be about them, not me, and how I can make their load easier, not my own. It's not always easy, but it always makes both of us feel better.

Here's a call for more loving women!